We recently made our first trip to the emergency room with my son, and I was petrified. I was probably being dramatic, but I felt a fear I hadn’t experienced before.
You see, I suffer from a rare lung condition, so when I heard my son struggling to breathe, I panicked. After waiting in the hospital waiting room for 5 hours, I was told that he was okay. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. There was no sign of wheezing in his lungs, and it was congestion that was making it hard to breathe.
For the first time, I actually felt like a mum.
Over the past year, I had been going through the motions of being a parent, but I was always emotionally guarded. But on this particular day, I was scared and no amount of self control could help me feel otherwise. For the first time, my guards were down and I was able to let my son into my heart completely And in that moment it was as though something changed in the dynamic of our relationship and both of us could feel it.
That night I slept on the floor in his room. I jumped up every time he coughed, cuddled with him on the rocking chair when he cried. And when he vomited all over himself and crib at 6:30 in the morning, I was there to clean it up.
I became his mum. Not just the person who made sure he was clothed, fed and had toys to play with. I became the person who did all
of those things and the person he could depend on and cuddle with when was feeling low. I became his mum.