Taking A U-Turn… Sort Of

Being forced to face your fears can be a very scary thing.  The feeling of venturing into the unknown and challenging yourself to grow and become great can be very intimidating. Recently, I’ve forced myself to slowly tread outside my comfort zone, and if I am being completely transparent, existing in unfamiliar territory has been a very scary experience. While I know that I am growing for the better, I feel that my thoughts are bleary.

Late at night, when I am forced to be alone with my thoughts, I find that I am overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity, sadness and calm at the same the time. To accurately describe my emotions, I feel as though I’ve sprinted through a 10k marathon and am finally able to catch my breath.

I’ve been working extremely hard at forgiving people in my life and to accept them for who they are, but it has been very difficult. I know that whether I forgive them or not is irrelevant in their lives. These individuals will continue to flourish in their lives and these negative feelings I hold are entrapping me in an endless cycle of negativity.

I think a key point of weakness for me is that while I am strong, I internalize every interaction I have with anyone and I possess an inability to let go. I have very high expectations for myself and I expect the people in my life to also live up to the standards I’ve placed on myself, which isn’t fair. I take life too seriously, and somewhere along the road, I feel as though I forgot how to whole heartedly laugh and truly enjoy the company around me.  I don’t remember the last time I laughed till my stomach hurt. Somewhere along the road of confronting my weaknesses, I left behind some of my strengths. Perhaps this is why I have been feeling vulnerable. I’ve changed so quickly that I left behind some of the things that made me great. I think I need to take a few steps back and find my sense of humour. 

I am truly grateful for my in laws. At family gatherings, I usually take a seat back and admire how free they are. I’m sure that life throws challenges at them, but whenever I attend a family gathering, there is so much laughter in the air. They are genuinely happy people who laugh till they feel laughter pains, and have an indescribable bond. It is truly remarkable. My hope for myself is that I find my way back to the person who was once carefree and enjoyed the simplicities of life, while growing into an awesome person. Maybe then I won’t feel defeated when I am alone with my thoughts J  

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3 thoughts on “Taking A U-Turn… Sort Of

  1. After reading your words(blog), i feel like you are trying to understand ‘what life is’ which takes you into deep thoughts. Even though everyone is laughing infornt of you, back in your head you are still thinking about something else. I am very inspired from einstien’s thinking that ” either nothing is meracle or everything is meracle”. If you stand with first half you can spend your life freely with no worries leaving everything on god but if you stand with second half you look for every answer in your life which cut you from outer world.

    Have a good life
    -sukhjit

  2. Like you took the thoughts right out of my head. I am continually saying how I feel a tightness in my chest and can’t seem to calm it all down.

    • I think we need to learn to take it easy and just laugh. We’re so stressed out all the time that we exhaust ourselves. We need to act a bit silly. Go for a run like Phoebe on Friends. I actually did the Phoebe run yesterday on the sidewalk of a busy stress..its definitely works! Just ignore the people looking, put on your headphones and just run.

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