A sponge. I think that’s the best way to describe my personality. I absorb all of the negativity people spew in my direction. I internalize what they say and when I reach the maximum weight of negativity, I become very sad. Like a sponge, I cry and relieve the weight and then I carry on through life, still internalizing the things that are said to me.I’m not sure why I allow the negativity in, and repel the positivity from my mind.
This past weekend I visited some family members and some things were said to me that were very hurtful. While I know that what was said isn’t true, and I can’t control what others think of me, the pain from what was said is very real. I was told that I am judgmental and an insecure person. Keeping in mind that the longest conversation with this person has been for about 10 minutes, in the 3 years that I have been married, I think his opinion was baseless and unwarranted. Yet, like a broken record, I keep repeating what was said to me. I should have the strength to dust off what was said to me, but I can’t help but feel a lump creep up into my throat. Perhaps, I need to relieve the weight of my mind.
I’m not sure why I rub people the wrong way. Perhaps it is my serious nature, or my inability to verbally express how I feel. The truth is, one of my favorite things in the world is to sit back and watch people be themselves. To me, I see people as moving pieces of art. Interacting with each other through their different hand gestures, facial expressions, styles in clothing – it’s inspiring. However, I can understand why people misunderstand me and think I am judging them. In unfamiliar territories, I am quiet, and I enjoy the comfort of my thoughts. I find people inspiring. Perhaps I am too analytical about life, but watching people around me helps me learn more about myself. It helps me understand myself at a deeper level. I think it’s unfortunate that my inability to express myself is becoming a hindrance and causing my surroundings to see me in a different light than how I see myself.