Clouds Above Me

As I lay on the hammock staring up at the clouds move swiftly across the blue skies above me, I am filled with a sense of emptiness and vulnerability. I feel envious of the clouds, and their fluidity. Like a chameleon, they rotate freely. They change shapes, merge with other clouds, and drift into smaller clouds, dissolving at their own pace. They look very freeing and watching them, I feel repugnant emotions of detachment and isolation brewing inside of me.

I am almost surprised by these emotions, almost. If I look deep inside myself, I recognize these feelings. They feel familiar. Almost like a theme, underlying every action and decision I’ve made. But, what is it about these clouds that they evoke such strong feelings of isolation?

As I continue to swing on the hammock for what feels like hours, watching the clouds depart and the skies become a deeper shade of blue, I come to the realization that I am envious of how easily the clouds are able to connect with each other. Watching the clouds mingle, I am reminded of a refreshing feeling of children playing on the school yard. Free of judgment, laughing freely and being present in their lives. I miss that feeling.

Somewhere along the journey that is life, I learned to hide who I am from the world, and maybe even from myself. A person, similar to many, filled with insecurities, flaws and fears. Perhaps it was a self-defense mechanism. After all, the strongest defense is a strong offense. But, living like this has prevented me from connecting with the people around me on a personal level. How can I have meaningful relationships with people, if I can’t be open with them about my insecurities and fears?

The clouds in the sky connect easily with each other because they are transparent. They join each other so seamlessly that it’s hard to see where one cloud starts and one cloud ends. Over time, the clouds become integrated and it’s hard to tell them apart.

Similar to the clouds, our relationships become stronger when we are transparent with who we are. We become a stronger support system for each other, and find our purpose in each other’s lives. In turn, we’re filled with joy and a sense of completeness that can only be found by connecting with those around you.

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