The Little Bee Inside my Brain

Sometimes I question the person I am, and if I am the type of person who should be able to look herself in the mirror. I have a very deep flaw of setting unrealistically high expectations for every aspect of my life. When I don’t live up to my own standards, I feel like a failure. I start to mentally pick at every one of my flaws and mentally crucify myself.

One might say that I am my own worst enemy, and that person would be correct. I need to learn to get out of my own head, but it is extremely difficult.

I have said many times that I need to learn to forgive. Not for the other person, but for my own personal growth and sanity. But the truth is, I still haven’t figured out how to do that. There are people in my life who have let me down, and I don’t know how to look past the things they’ve said or their actions. I allow these events to hold my mind hostage, and it’s frustrating.

Perhaps I am frustrated because I haven’t had the opportunity to put closure to the things said/done. I am constantly forced to put a smile on my face and talk to these people as though nothing is wrong. Well actually, if I am being completely transparent, I see these people in a room and I act like they don’t exist. When I would like nothing more than to say “I’m angry with you and the way you’ve treated people I care about”. The frustrating part of the situation is that the vicious things weren’t said/done to me. They were done to someone I care about. While I am trying to not fight someone else’s battles, I can’t help but be overcome with anger.

I understand that I need to let people fight/resolve their own problems, but it is very difficult when you constantly see someone being walked all over. Perhaps other people are comfortable with superficial relationships, but I’m not that type of person. And there I go again, defining the type of person I am. I wish I could loosen the reins I put on myself, and be free. Instead I am left feeling frustrated with myself. I wish I knew how to let go.

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