Today I had an eye-opening conversation with a colleague of mine regarding love, and what it means to truly love. He talked about not understanding the meaning of true love until having his first born child. He was so overwhelmed with the indescribable emotions. He couldn’t find the words to explain the emotion but you could see it on his face and in his expression. It looked like bliss.
Standing there watching him, I couldn’t help but question who I am as a person. Do I love anyone that much in my life? Do I even love myself that much? I questioned if I am a broken person. Not having children myself, I couldn’t relate to what he was talking about. I was filled with self-doubt and convinced that I lack the ability to be completely selfless.
I have a deep-rooted fear of being completely vulnerable to another individual, and have platinum walls up at all times. I question people’s motivations, and don’t always believe peoples sincerity. I know I’m a cynic and take ownership of that. I have a handful of people who I believe love me unconditionally. But I question if I have the same loyalty towards them. Maybe I do and am judging myself harshly, but I don’t know if I can name a single person who I love unconditionally.
I’m envious of people who can so easily express their love to another person. It comes second nature to them. My husband says that I express love in other ways. Clearly he sees something that I don’t!
When people tell me they love me, I have a hard time saying it back. My 3 year old nephew tells me he loves me all the time. However, when I say it back it feels forced. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I almost feel like I’m exposing an area of weakness, that I want to keep hidden. I don’t want people to know how deeply I care because then they can use it against me.
Maybe that’s why I have the wall up, for fear of being hurt. Maybe my husband is right and I do love, I love so deep that if I let people see, they can use it as ammo to hurt me.