Love

Today I had an eye-opening conversation with a colleague of mine regarding love, and  what it means to truly love. He talked about not understanding the meaning of true love until having his first born child. He was so overwhelmed with the indescribable emotions. He couldn’t find the words to explain the emotion but you could see it on his face and in his expression. It looked like bliss.

Standing there watching him, I couldn’t help but question who I am as a person. Do I love anyone that much in my life? Do I even love myself that much? I questioned if I am a broken person. Not having children myself, I couldn’t relate to what he was talking about. I was filled with self-doubt and convinced that I lack the ability to be completely selfless.

I have a deep-rooted fear of being completely vulnerable to another individual, and have platinum walls up at all times. I question people’s motivations, and don’t always believe peoples sincerity. I know I’m a cynic and take ownership of that. I have a handful of people who I believe love me unconditionally. But I question if I have the same loyalty towards them. Maybe I do and am judging myself harshly, but I don’t know if I can name a single person who I love unconditionally.

I’m envious of people who can so easily express their love to another person. It comes second nature to them. My husband says that I express love in other ways. Clearly he sees something that I don’t!

When people tell me they love me, I have a hard time saying it back. My 3 year old nephew tells me he loves me all the time. However, when I say it back it feels forced. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I almost feel like I’m exposing an area of weakness, that I want to keep hidden. I don’t want people to know how deeply I care because then they can use it against me.

Maybe that’s why I have the wall up, for fear of being hurt. Maybe my husband is right and I do love, I love so deep that if I let people see, they can use it as ammo to hurt me.

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Truth Be Told

When I got sick last year, it changed me as a person. It made me a cynical person. I am, was, a person who would go out of her way to help people. I found joy in it, and I genuinely wanted to make the lives of the people I cared about easier. Now, that person feels like a lifetime away, and if I am being honest, if I saw her today I would call her a naive fool.

Throughout the duration of my illness, I felt very lonely. I was fighting a battle, and no one co20150426_234045278_iOSuld help me. It was me against this thing that was attacking me from the inside. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had people visit me daily to inquire a out my health and to keep me company. But I can count these people on one hand. For someone, such as myself who has a large circle, it was truly disheartening.  I became skeptical of the people in my life. It was my rude awakening.
I spent a year trying to run away from my negative thoughts. I took up hair and make up lessons and became a certified artist. If I looked good on the outside, surely that would translate into me becoming a happier person on the inside. That was a lie. I only felt
more empty and alone. I took up a project management class, and tried to cross a few more items off of my bucket list, but that only made me feel more sad. Who did I have to share these great milestones with? People who weren’t there for me when I was at my lowest point?

I was sad, I am sad and I don’t know how to overcome this deep disappointment. This may be a terrible example, but you know when you’ve finished making a lavish meal and the kitchen is a disaster. You’re exhausted after cooking, but you have to clean up your mess, its frustrating, but you get through it. All you have left are these great memories of the exceptional tasting meal that you’ve created. I have the exact opposite of that feeling. I went through this horrid experience that taught me how strong I can be, but all I remember is who wasn’t there for me.
Its a sad feeling, and i’m hoping that with time, I learn how to overcome it.
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Disconnected

Recently, I’ve found it difficult to connect with people on a human level. I can’t remember the last time I had a genuinely honest conversation with someone, and i’m growing tired of the superficial conversations I have with people. You know, the ones where we instinctively start to discuss whose life is more difficult. It’s like we’re in a rat race, constantly trying to outdo the next person. When the truth is, we are all just going through the motions of life and the growing pains that come along with it.

If I am being completely honest, I have a great life. I work on my flaws and improve on my weaknesses. I work really hard on growing myself into the person I want to be. However, I feel ashamed to let the world know how happy I am. Why? Because people become jealous and envious that you seem so “put together”. They don’t see the behind the scenes hard work I’ve put into the person I am evolving into. They only find reason to be resentful.

I have a very positive outlook on my life. I focus on the positives, and understand that the problem areas can be worked on. I know that nothing in life is constant and I am okay with that. But I don’t spend each day feeling angry about the pain points in my life. I accept them and roll with the punches, and that works for me. It allows me to stay focused and evolve into the person I want to become.

However, I constantly live in a fear that if I let people know how happy I am that they will find me un-relatable. When the truth is, the only difference between us is the outlook we have on life. I don’t see the grey areas in my life as problems. I see them as opportunities to grow. My approach to the grey areas is to accept them and look for a solution, if there isn’t one, I will sit on the problem until I can find one. When I advise people on how to solve problems in their lives, they find my approach too harsh, or they will give me a list of 100 reasons why the solution won’t work. They make the choice to stay pessimistic, and I can feel myself being sucked into the vacuum that is their negativity. And my outlook on life isn’t negative, so I can’t relate. And in turn there is a disconnect between my world and me.

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The Journey or the Destination

Sometimes I think that happiness is an over rated myth that we blindly chase. It’s an illusion that pushes us to believe that if we behave a particular way, or attain certain goals that we will attain the pinnacle of happiness, and remain in the grips of its ecstasy forever. Perhaps this is our downfall as human beings. We think that our “positive” behaviors and actions will result in the outcome of happiness, and we shamelessly waste our lives trying to chase it, when we need to let the universe bring it to us.

Recently, I became very ill and spent many days in the hospital being poked and jabbed with needles, attached to an oxygen supply 24/7 and seeing an array of doctors. At the time, I was afraid and didn’t think I would be coming home. My body had become very weak, and mentally, I was very drained. I have always been an independent person, and for the first time in my life, I couldn’t perform basic tasks for myself.

However, in retrospect…well maybe I shouldn’t say retrospect because I am still undergoing treatment, but getting sick was the biggest blessing the universe has given me. Getting sick forced me to see my flaws and shortfalls. I learned that I am a control freak who cares too much about the small details in life, and I need to learn to let go and enjoy life. Coming home from the hospital, my incredible husband had to carry the complete weight of the household. Not only was he making me three meals a day, he was cleaning the entire house. I would become frustrated because he wasn’t cleaning it “correctly”. How does one correctly clean a house? And more importantly, how stupid was I being that I was seeing a “shortfall” and becoming upset? I was missing this opportunity of happiness that the universe was giving me. Without any complaints, my husband was taking on the huge responsibility of running a household, and he was doing a great job. I had a partner who stepped up to the plate when he needed to. He didn’t shy away from the responsibility, or try to put the burden on someone else.  Had I failed to open my eyes, and see the gift that was in front of me, I would have missed out on the opportunity to be happy and thank him.

I had become so calculated with my life. I thought that if I secured a particular job, or achieved a certain goal that would be happy. When in reality, that wouldn’t have made me happy. I would constantly be looking over the next hurdle to become happy. In the process of charging through life to be happy, I would have missed the opportunity to experience the happiness in my life. Being sick, the universe stopped me in my tracks and taught me to open my eyes to what happiness really is.

Happiness. What does it really mean?  Happiness means enjoying the process of growth as a person. It means taking time for yourself to reflect on how your life is amazing. It is appreciating the little things and not worrying about the details. At least that’s what happiness is to me.

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Perplexed

As I sit here, starring at my fingers calmly placed over the keys of my keyboard, I am overcome with a sense of calmness. Perhaps it is the familiarity of the keys under my touch, bringing peace to the convoluted thoughts spinning around my mind, I’m not too sure. But I continue to sit here patiently, willing my fingers to decipher my thoughts.

InternetofThingsI’m not sure how I feel. As I look around the world around me, I see that everything is in its correct place. My clothes are tucked neatly in my closet at home, my car is parked in its regular parking spot at work, and everything is as it should be. Yet, while I know that everything is the same as it always has been, everything has changed.

My outlook on life has changed. The person I am is different from who she was just a couple of weeks ago.

I  have always been a person who loves clothes, and any method of self-expression for that matter, but recently I can’t help but think “what’s the point?”. What is the purpose of establishing your individuality?

Recently, we experienced the loss of a family member. She passed away quite young and as I walked around her home, I couldn’t help by notice many of her possessions neatly organized in their assigned homes. A thought flashed across my mind,

“once upon a time, she had gone to a store, and picked out
each item because it spoke to her in some way”.

Days after her passing, the items remain, and she is no more. It’s true that she exists in our memories and left behind a legacy of learned lessons, but we can’t touch her. Instead we are left with items that she purchased to express who she was as a person, and that person no longer exists.

This realization has left me with an internal void. What is my purpose? I believe that my family member passed away young because she had fulfilled her life purpose. She had fully blossomed into the most beautiful flower and I believe god always picks the most beautiful flowers in the garden. But what is my purpose? Am I fulfilling it? I don’t want to leave behind a house full of things if I didn’t use them to make someone else happy. I don’t want to become so fixated on the things in my life that I become sidetracked and neglect fulfilling my life purpose.

I love my job and feel that I am making a valuable contribution to the world around me. The company I work for changes lives for the better, and that inspires me to work to my full potential every single day. The technology this company creates saves lives, and makes an impact in the world that I could never make as an individual. But, I can’t help but feel like there is more that I can do.

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Volcano of Emotions

There is a very big hole in my heart filled with sadness. I’m saddened by the way you treat me, disappointed that you didn’t take the time to get to know me, and frustrated that I am giving more than I am receiving. I don’t know how to open up and tell you how I feel and that frustrates me. I can see my weakness and yet I don’t know how to overcome it. I wish I could tell you that I don’t like how you treat me without having a tsunami of tears stream down my face. The tears would show I am weak, and my current persona of being a strong person would instantly fade away.

Instead I lash out, hoping that maybe you would listen to what I’m saying and not how I am saying it. I admit that I come off as harsh when I express my feelings. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care too much, and I wish I didn’t. Maybe if I stopped caring, my heart wouldn’t hurt so much. Perhaps then I wouldn’t feel like a prisoner of my mind, and I could spread my wings and be free.

Doctors have told me that I need to learn to let things go, because the unnecessary stress that it creates in my mind is causing my body to shut down on me. But, I don’t know how to get over things without getting closure. Maybe it’s because I’ve had to overcome my fair share of loss, and that’s left me with so many unresolved dead ends. I’m not too sure, but I feel like I need to discuss things with people in order to move forward with the relationship, and I’m not strong enough to have that discussion with you. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection, or the fear of not being heard that is acting as a barrier, preventing me from voicing my feelings. I’m not too sure.

What I do know is that I am a strong person, and just like any other obstacle that has been placed in front of me, I will overcome it. The way I see it, I have two options, I can either work on my relationship with you by expressing how I feel, or simply walk away. I know the latter would be the easier option, but how would that help me grow as a person? Isn’t the purpose of life to grow and become the best version of yourself that you can be? If I simply walk away from the relationship, what would I learn? How would I grow? I would be doing myself an injustice. Maybe the best approach for me to take is to express how I feel whether I am heard or not. I need to do my part and try. I can only control my actions and reactions to events. If I am not heard, or if you don’t care, at least I know I tried. At least I will know that I tried to fight for myself.

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Mind Shackling

Lately, I’ve been feeling confined by the shackles of my mind. The harder I pull to break free, the tighter the shackles become. I try to maneuver to free myself from the madness of my mind and when I think I’m finally free, the elasticity of the rope I’m tied to flings me back against the wall, and then I’m back to where I started.  I can’t escape the hollow feeling inside me. The more I try, the stronger they get. I’m trapped in a world of self-inflicted sadness – my mind keeps playing tricks on me.

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person I see in front of me. I feel lost, and at the height of vulnerability, with no one to turn to. No one to understand the depth of my emptiness. I’m not sure how I got to this point. I was completely blindsided. Maybe there has always been a part of me that felt this  way, and only now that I am taking the time to learn about myself do I see this side of me as clear as day.
Maybe we all have a place inside us that is dark and hollow and filled with vulnerability, insecurity and sadness. After all, we are all human and we share the ability to laugh or cry, or be happy or sad. Our emotions are the thread that tie us all together. We have the ability to feel and analyze the world we live in.  We possess a unique ability to learn about ourselves, understand our strengths and our flaws. However, our perception always seems to skew how we see our lives and sometimes prevents us from seeing the good.

Perhaps the trick to overcoming these emotions is to understand that these emotions don’t define us. They are what make us human. We need to understand that in life we all have ups and downs, and to not allow ourselves to get stuck in the lows. Maybe we will forever remain shackled to the games our mind plays on us and a part of growing and learning in life is to find ways to maneuver through life with them. Perhaps it is the shackles that teach us life’s most valuable lessons and we have to learn to understand those lessons and continue on our journey.

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Jumping Over Hurdles

At times, I feel that we are our worst enemy. We create a vision for our lives, and when we unexpectedly veer off course, or are pushed into unfamiliar territory, we start to see our lives through a shattered mirror. Our vision of ourselves becomes distorted. Thoughts like “this wasn’t meant to be my life”, “this put my life back 5 years” creep up on us and without realizing it, we’re left feeling vulnerable, helpless or both. It’s as though we mentally confine ourselves to the walls of a padded room in a physic ward. We become so entrapped in the current state of affairs that we fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaking as someone who has been pushed off a bridge into unfamiliar waters time and time again, I thoroughly understand the pain you feel when they splash into the icy cold abyss. The sharp pains you feel when the realization of where you are kicks in, and your inability to breathe as you look in every direction to find something to hold on to. We all have events in our lives that cause us to feel this way. The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, learning that pregnancy may not be in the cards for you, not getting into the school of your choice, we all have events in our lives that seem shattering, but they make us stronger people. When you finally accept the changes in your life, and realize that you alone are the only person to pull yourself from the depths of sadness that have been created in your mind, you take a retrospective look at your life and realize that you may have underestimated yourself and tried to create a life that was inferior to what you deserve.

Growing up, I didn’t know what course my life was going to take. I became involved with a group of friends that I had no business associating with. I was in a relationship with someone who treated me slightly better than the dirt on the bottom of his shoes and silenced my voice. I can hide behind the excuse that I had an ill parent and that left me feeling confused and vulnerable. But the truth is, I had created this life for myself. I allowed my thoughts to control me and make me feel inferior. My life would have continued down that path if I didn’t fight for it. I had to fight for the life I thought I could create for myself. I set a list of goals for myself: Complete my master’s degree, find a life partner who will be respectful of the person I am (I wasn’t going to compromise who I was. I had already wasted 5 years and I wasn’t about to waste any more time), and be myself (whether people liked it or not). It was only when I decided to fight for myself that my life turned around, and I truly believe that this is the truth for many people. When we stop playing the victim in our lives and start taking control over what we want to accomplish, it puts us in a better state of mind. Yes, there are going to be events in our lives that push us off course, but it’s how we get back up that defines us. We can’t let the events in our lives define us. Similarly to a hurdle race in track in field, life is about jumping over hurdles. Sometimes our foot gets caught and we stumble, but we have to get back up and finish the race.

Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

A sponge. I think that’s the best way to describe my personality. I absorb all of the negativity people spew in my direction. I internalize what they say and when I reach the maximum weight of negativity, I become very sad. Like a sponge, I cry and relieve the weight and then I carry on through life, still internalizing the things that are said to me.I’m not sure why I allow the negativity in, and repel the positivity from my mind.

This past weekend I visited some family members and some things were said to me that were very hurtful. While I know that what was said isn’t true, and I can’t control what others think of me, the pain from what was said is very real. I was told that I am judgmental and an insecure person. Keeping in mind that the longest conversation with this person has been for about 10 minutes, in the 3 years that I have been married, I think his opinion was baseless and unwarranted. Yet, like a broken record, I keep repeating what was said to me. I should have the strength to dust off what was said to me, but I can’t help but feel a lump creep up into my throat. Perhaps, I need to relieve the weight of my mind. 

I’m not sure why I rub people the wrong way. Perhaps it is my serious nature, or my inability to verbally express how I feel. The truth is, one of my favorite things in the world is to sit back and watch people be themselves. To me, I see people as moving pieces of art. Interacting with each other through their different hand gestures, facial expressions, styles in clothing – it’s inspiring. However, I can understand why people misunderstand me and think I am judging them. In unfamiliar territories, I am quiet, and I enjoy the comfort of my thoughts. I find people inspiring. Perhaps I am too analytical about life, but watching people around me helps me learn more about myself. It helps me understand myself at a deeper level. I think it’s unfortunate that my inability to express myself is becoming a hindrance and causing my surroundings to see me in a different light than how I see myself.