I love when it rains. Not only because it helps clean up the polluted air, making it easier for me to breathe (shout out to all those diagnosed with Eosphilophic Pneumonia…I know you can relate), but because rain is awesome. I know I’m an adult now, 31 going on 32 to be exact, but when I see rain pouring outside my living room window, I find myself fighting the urge to put on my red rain boots, rush outside and splash in the puddles. I can almost hear my mum yelling “don’t make a mess on my floors when you come inside”.
Lucky for me I’m “grown” now, and have my own house. I can make all the mess I want, and no one can yell at me. Well I guess my husband could, but lets be honest…who listens to husbands? True, I’ll have to clean it up afterwards, and maybe that’s what deters me from actually going outside, but feeling the drops of water on your face, it’s so liberating.
Being young is awesome! You don’t have to worry about dirty floors or loads of laundry.
You can go outside and have fun! Enjoy yourself… those were the good old days!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted in the blogosphere, and I’ve missed it. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, I promise you there is plenty. However, the words have been held captive in the depth of my mind. The thoughts, they swirl around my brain like the paint on a painter’s palette, intertwined, defined and not defined at the same time.
I recently achieved one of my biggest goals, and while I should be over the moon about this achievement, I feel hollow inside. I’m not quite sure what this void is, but it exists. I almost feel as though I am having an out of body experience. I can see myself going through the motions of living my life, however I don’t feel them. It’s very confusing.
Don’t misunderstand me, I’m very happy in my life. I am not upset or sad, but I don’t feel that I am fully engaged in my life. I’m not indulging in my emotions the way I think I should. It’s almost as though I am moving through life with a “proceed with caution” mentality. Scared that my life is in such a great place, that if you throw a rock at it, it will shatter.
It’s a scary feeling. One that I need to learn how to overcome. Perhaps it will go away over time, perhaps I need to speak to someone, who knows. But I need to find a way to enjoy my life. I’ve worked hard for the life I am building for myself, and I need to enjoy it!
When I got sick last year, it changed me as a person. It made me a cynical person. I am, was, a person who would go out of her way to help people. I found joy in it, and I genuinely wanted to make the lives of the people I cared about easier. Now, that person feels like a lifetime away, and if I am being honest, if I saw her today I would call her a naive fool.
Throughout the duration of my illness, I felt very lonely. I was fighting a battle, and no one could help me. It was me against this thing that was attacking me from the inside. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had people visit me daily to inquire a out my health and to keep me company. But I can count these people on one hand. For someone, such as myself who has a large circle, it was truly disheartening. I became skeptical of the people in my life. It was my rude awakening.
I spent a year trying to run away from my negative thoughts. I took up hair and make up lessons and became a certified artist. If I looked good on the outside, surely that would translate into me becoming a happier person on the inside. That was a lie. I only felt
more empty and alone. I took up a project management class, and tried to cross a few more items off of my bucket list, but that only made me feel more sad. Who did I have to share these great milestones with? People who weren’t there for me when I was at my lowest point?
I was sad, I am sad and I don’t know how to overcome this deep disappointment. This may be a terrible example, but you know when you’ve finished making a lavish meal and the kitchen is a disaster. You’re exhausted after cooking, but you have to clean up your mess, its frustrating, but you get through it. All you have left are these great memories of the exceptional tasting meal that you’ve created. I have the exact opposite of that feeling. I went through this horrid experience that taught me how strong I can be, but all I remember is who wasn’t there for me.
Its a sad feeling, and i’m hoping that with time, I learn how to overcome it.
Recently, I’ve found it difficult to connect with people on a human level. I can’t remember the last time I had a genuinely honest conversation with someone, and i’m growing tired of the superficial conversations I have with people. You know, the ones where we instinctively start to discuss whose life is more difficult. It’s like we’re in a rat race, constantly trying to outdo the next person. When the truth is, we are all just going through the motions of life and the growing pains that come along with it.
If I am being completely honest, I have a great life. I work on my flaws and improve on my weaknesses. I work really hard on growing myself into the person I want to be. However, I feel ashamed to let the world know how happy I am. Why? Because people become jealous and envious that you seem so “put together”. They don’t see the behind the scenes hard work I’ve put into the person I am evolving into. They only find reason to be resentful.
I have a very positive outlook on my life. I focus on the positives, and understand that the problem areas can be worked on. I know that nothing in life is constant and I am okay with that. But I don’t spend each day feeling angry about the pain points in my life. I accept them and roll with the punches, and that works for me. It allows me to stay focused and evolve into the person I want to become.
However, I constantly live in a fear that if I let people know how happy I am that they will find me un-relatable. When the truth is, the only difference between us is the outlook we have on life. I don’t see the grey areas in my life as problems. I see them as opportunities to grow. My approach to the grey areas is to accept them and look for a solution, if there isn’t one, I will sit on the problem until I can find one. When I advise people on how to solve problems in their lives, they find my approach too harsh, or they will give me a list of 100 reasons why the solution won’t work. They make the choice to stay pessimistic, and I can feel myself being sucked into the vacuum that is their negativity. And my outlook on life isn’t negative, so I can’t relate. And in turn there is a disconnect between my world and me.
As we approach the end of two thousand and fifteen, I wanted to take a minute to say thank you. This past year was definitely one of the most difficult years of my life. It tested my strength and forced me to evaluate who I am as a person, what I value, and the people in my life.
You see, I became very ill and for a short period of time, I wasn’t mobile. I needed help, and for the first time in my life, I got to see the members of my army. People I thought would be there, weren’t. And people I didn’t expect to be around, were. It was definitely an eye opening experience, and there aren’t enough words in the English vocabulary to express my gratitude for it.
Getting sick, was my biggest blessing. Although I may lose everything that I’ve worked for financially, thanks to the wonderfully large medical bill, I couldn’t be happier. This experience left me feeling wealthier than I could have ever imagined. Before getting sick I was becoming very superficial. I was fixated on decorating my home a certain way, because I thought that would make me happy. Or buying more clothes for my already overflowing closet because I thought ‘you can never have enough clothes’. However, while being sick, all I remember thinking was ‘if I pass away, my husband is going to throw out all of my junk, and that is going to be a very painful experience’. I reflected on the person I was becoming and realized that I was making insignificant things a priority in my life. After all, it’s memories and love that you take into your next life, not objects.
I am grateful for the wakeup call. Aside from the mental ‘ah-ha’ moment, I am also starting to take my health seriously. The Prednisone steroid I was taking made me gain 20 pounds, and I’ve become insecure about my weight gain. But thanks to the weight gain, I am taking my health seriously. I watch what I eat and make sure to exercise. I even have a personal trainer! Me, the girl who had sworn off any physical movement and considered it equal to the devil, I crave going to the gym.
Thanks to my illness, I am learning how to live and enjoy life! I can’t wait to see what 2016 has in store for me….