The Journey or the Destination

Sometimes I think that happiness is an over rated myth that we blindly chase. It’s an illusion that pushes us to believe that if we behave a particular way, or attain certain goals that we will attain the pinnacle of happiness, and remain in the grips of its ecstasy forever. Perhaps this is our downfall as human beings. We think that our “positive” behaviors and actions will result in the outcome of happiness, and we shamelessly waste our lives trying to chase it, when we need to let the universe bring it to us.

Recently, I became very ill and spent many days in the hospital being poked and jabbed with needles, attached to an oxygen supply 24/7 and seeing an array of doctors. At the time, I was afraid and didn’t think I would be coming home. My body had become very weak, and mentally, I was very drained. I have always been an independent person, and for the first time in my life, I couldn’t perform basic tasks for myself.

However, in retrospect…well maybe I shouldn’t say retrospect because I am still undergoing treatment, but getting sick was the biggest blessing the universe has given me. Getting sick forced me to see my flaws and shortfalls. I learned that I am a control freak who cares too much about the small details in life, and I need to learn to let go and enjoy life. Coming home from the hospital, my incredible husband had to carry the complete weight of the household. Not only was he making me three meals a day, he was cleaning the entire house. I would become frustrated because he wasn’t cleaning it “correctly”. How does one correctly clean a house? And more importantly, how stupid was I being that I was seeing a “shortfall” and becoming upset? I was missing this opportunity of happiness that the universe was giving me. Without any complaints, my husband was taking on the huge responsibility of running a household, and he was doing a great job. I had a partner who stepped up to the plate when he needed to. He didn’t shy away from the responsibility, or try to put the burden on someone else.  Had I failed to open my eyes, and see the gift that was in front of me, I would have missed out on the opportunity to be happy and thank him.

I had become so calculated with my life. I thought that if I secured a particular job, or achieved a certain goal that would be happy. When in reality, that wouldn’t have made me happy. I would constantly be looking over the next hurdle to become happy. In the process of charging through life to be happy, I would have missed the opportunity to experience the happiness in my life. Being sick, the universe stopped me in my tracks and taught me to open my eyes to what happiness really is.

Happiness. What does it really mean?  Happiness means enjoying the process of growth as a person. It means taking time for yourself to reflect on how your life is amazing. It is appreciating the little things and not worrying about the details. At least that’s what happiness is to me.

Signature


Advertisements

Perplexed

As I sit here, starring at my fingers calmly placed over the keys of my keyboard, I am overcome with a sense of calmness. Perhaps it is the familiarity of the keys under my touch, bringing peace to the convoluted thoughts spinning around my mind, I’m not too sure. But I continue to sit here patiently, willing my fingers to decipher my thoughts.

InternetofThingsI’m not sure how I feel. As I look around the world around me, I see that everything is in its correct place. My clothes are tucked neatly in my closet at home, my car is parked in its regular parking spot at work, and everything is as it should be. Yet, while I know that everything is the same as it always has been, everything has changed.

My outlook on life has changed. The person I am is different from who she was just a couple of weeks ago.

I  have always been a person who loves clothes, and any method of self-expression for that matter, but recently I can’t help but think “what’s the point?”. What is the purpose of establishing your individuality?

Recently, we experienced the loss of a family member. She passed away quite young and as I walked around her home, I couldn’t help by notice many of her possessions neatly organized in their assigned homes. A thought flashed across my mind,

“once upon a time, she had gone to a store, and picked out
each item because it spoke to her in some way”.

Days after her passing, the items remain, and she is no more. It’s true that she exists in our memories and left behind a legacy of learned lessons, but we can’t touch her. Instead we are left with items that she purchased to express who she was as a person, and that person no longer exists.

This realization has left me with an internal void. What is my purpose? I believe that my family member passed away young because she had fulfilled her life purpose. She had fully blossomed into the most beautiful flower and I believe god always picks the most beautiful flowers in the garden. But what is my purpose? Am I fulfilling it? I don’t want to leave behind a house full of things if I didn’t use them to make someone else happy. I don’t want to become so fixated on the things in my life that I become sidetracked and neglect fulfilling my life purpose.

I love my job and feel that I am making a valuable contribution to the world around me. The company I work for changes lives for the better, and that inspires me to work to my full potential every single day. The technology this company creates saves lives, and makes an impact in the world that I could never make as an individual. But, I can’t help but feel like there is more that I can do.

Signature

Mind Shackling

Lately, I’ve been feeling confined by the shackles of my mind. The harder I pull to break free, the tighter the shackles become. I try to maneuver to free myself from the madness of my mind and when I think I’m finally free, the elasticity of the rope I’m tied to flings me back against the wall, and then I’m back to where I started.  I can’t escape the hollow feeling inside me. The more I try, the stronger they get. I’m trapped in a world of self-inflicted sadness – my mind keeps playing tricks on me.

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person I see in front of me. I feel lost, and at the height of vulnerability, with no one to turn to. No one to understand the depth of my emptiness. I’m not sure how I got to this point. I was completely blindsided. Maybe there has always been a part of me that felt this  way, and only now that I am taking the time to learn about myself do I see this side of me as clear as day.
Maybe we all have a place inside us that is dark and hollow and filled with vulnerability, insecurity and sadness. After all, we are all human and we share the ability to laugh or cry, or be happy or sad. Our emotions are the thread that tie us all together. We have the ability to feel and analyze the world we live in.  We possess a unique ability to learn about ourselves, understand our strengths and our flaws. However, our perception always seems to skew how we see our lives and sometimes prevents us from seeing the good.

Perhaps the trick to overcoming these emotions is to understand that these emotions don’t define us. They are what make us human. We need to understand that in life we all have ups and downs, and to not allow ourselves to get stuck in the lows. Maybe we will forever remain shackled to the games our mind plays on us and a part of growing and learning in life is to find ways to maneuver through life with them. Perhaps it is the shackles that teach us life’s most valuable lessons and we have to learn to understand those lessons and continue on our journey.

Signature

Breathe. Pause. Take A Minute.

Breathe. Pause. Take a minute to regain your strength and understand your worth. I feel as though I’ve become a prisoner of my thoughts. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t pull myself free from the shackles that are my insecurities. I try to stay positive and focus on the present. But the more I try, the stronger the memories of my past become. I’m not trying to run away from my past, I appreciate my past and the lessons I’ve learned.  However, lately I’ve become fixated with the negative emotions associated to the events that have taken place in my life. I wish I could control how I feel about the current circumstances in my life – instead of projecting the negativity of the past on to the present.  

I feel as though I’m standing in quick sand. The harder I try to free myself, the faster I sink in. While I exude confidence, I feel like a black hole inside. I feel lost and at the height of vulnerability. I feel haunted by the thought that I’m not good enough. When I least expect it, a little seed of insecurity appears in my mind, and like a fungus spreads to taint all of my thoughts.

Perhaps my insecurities aren’t insecurities, but rather fears in disguise. I’m at a turning point in my life, and maybe I’m afraid of myself. Maybe the fear of the unknown scares me, and I’m unintentionally sabotaging my mind to think that I am inadequate, when deep down I know I possess the potential to be great.  Perhaps I need to just let go and see where life takes me. Perhaps I need to take my advice to myself literally. Breathe. Pause. Take a minute to regain my strength and see where life takes me. Embrace the new direction of my life with open arms.

Bon Voyage Mon Ami

Growing up, I became accustomed to the people in my life passing away. Through the emotional trauma of losing loved ones, I learned to withdraw my emotions from the relationships I created, and to live my life with an inability to feel for those around me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had concluded that each individual’s presence in my life would be short lived. Until one day, I realized that I had created an invisible dome around me that prevented anyone from getting too close. I started to feel lonely and isolated, and I realized that I needed to make a change in my life.

Over time, I slowly learned to stop putting obstacles in my way, and to start fighting for myself. If I felt lonely in my life, I needed to evaluate my actions to see what I needed to change to overcome this emotion. I created strong, long lasting bonds with people, however, I never truly overcame my fear of abandonment. 

Recently, a very close friend of mine told me that she’s moving away. I didn’t realize the impact it would have on me until I digested what she was saying. She’s going!  While I know this is a great life decision for her, I can’t help but feel saddened by the news. She’s leaving me.  This news has caused me to experience a whirlwind of uncontrollable emotions. I feel sadness without purpose, frustration without cause, and a void that is bruising my spirit.  This is a great opportunity for her, and while I know there is no cause or reason for me to be upset, I can’t help but feel a sense of loss.  I don’t want her to go. For some weird reason, I just always assumed that she would be near. If I ever needed anything, she would be there.

The best way to describe my emotions is that she was a pillar in my life, and her absence in my life will be missed. Yes I can rearrange the pillars in my life to make sure that everything stays in tact, but I’ll always know that I’m one pillar short. I know that she is only a phone call away; but it’s not the same. I feel defeated, and need to find a way to come to grips with the shift in my life, and be proud of my friend. She is taking a huge leap into the unknown, and as a friend, I need to learn to not be selfish, and understand the insecurities and fears that she is feeling. Venturing into unfamiliar territory can be scary, and I have to have faith in our friendship and ensure that I am strong enough to be a pillar in her life to help her be successful in the transition into her new phase. 

 

The Ticking Clock

I’m sorry – they’re gone. The words feel like an avalanche of rocks, causing you to momentarily lose your breathe. The words cut and it feels like a sharply edged sword that leaves you feeling at the peak of vulnerability. It’s as though, at the snap of a finger, the world as you see it has slightly shifted its axis, and you have to find a way to exist in this new world.

Like many, I’ve had close relatives move into the next realm of life, and each time it has had made an impact on my life. I hold my memories of each passed loved one close to my heart, and once in a while I catch myself fondly thinking about the great memories we created together. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet such wonderful people, and I appreciate the impact they have made on my life. But, that doesn’t stop me from missing them every day, especially during milestones in my life. During my wedding, I remember missing my grandfather and wishing he was there to share in the great memories that were being created. He was the only one I wanted at my wedding that wasn’t on the guest list. While I know he lives in my heart, I wish I could physically touch him, talk to him, and interact with him, in some way. But, I know that’s not possible. So I hold on to memories of him sneaking me chocolate bars when my grandma wasn’t looking, or shopping for my very first bike. Memories that I’m latching on to with more strength as I grow older.

I also had a friend who commit suicide when I was 11 years old. This was my first real experience with death – he was my age – and at the time I didn’t understand why he chose to end his life. Growing up, I learned that he was bullied because he was gay and had a hard time accepting it, and in retrospect if he was, I wish he had told someone how he felt.  I would have been there to support and listen to him so that he didn’t feel isolated and lonely. It almost angers me to think, ‘if you had just fought for yourself – the world is a different place now. If you felt shamed – you shouldn’t have! The tiny bubble of high school isn’t a reflection of the real world’.

Sometimes, in life, I feel that we unintentionally get lost in the present clouds of sadness. We look around, search for something to grasp on to, and when we finally think we’ve found our footing, we start to feel the turbulence.  Grief is the same, we feel it in stages. After the initial shock has worn off, and we start to regain some stability, the second bout of grief hits us. That is when we truly start to feel the pain of loss.  However, we need to accept that life isn’t a constant. People come and go. Life’s circumstances change. The only thing that remains constant is how we grow as people. What was the purpose of us undergoing events in our lives? What did we learn about ourselves? How did the situation positively impact us? My grandfather gave me my sweet tooth for chocolate. In general I don’t like to eat sweets, but I love chocolate. My friend taught me compassion. He taught me to never judge people and let them exist the way they are. Everyone has a life journey, a purpose and when their time comes to move on, you have to accept it. Take the lessons that you learn from them and the happy memories you have created and cherish them.

Jumping Over Hurdles

At times, I feel that we are our worst enemy. We create a vision for our lives, and when we unexpectedly veer off course, or are pushed into unfamiliar territory, we start to see our lives through a shattered mirror. Our vision of ourselves becomes distorted. Thoughts like “this wasn’t meant to be my life”, “this put my life back 5 years” creep up on us and without realizing it, we’re left feeling vulnerable, helpless or both. It’s as though we mentally confine ourselves to the walls of a padded room in a physic ward. We become so entrapped in the current state of affairs that we fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaking as someone who has been pushed off a bridge into unfamiliar waters time and time again, I thoroughly understand the pain you feel when they splash into the icy cold abyss. The sharp pains you feel when the realization of where you are kicks in, and your inability to breathe as you look in every direction to find something to hold on to. We all have events in our lives that cause us to feel this way. The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, learning that pregnancy may not be in the cards for you, not getting into the school of your choice, we all have events in our lives that seem shattering, but they make us stronger people. When you finally accept the changes in your life, and realize that you alone are the only person to pull yourself from the depths of sadness that have been created in your mind, you take a retrospective look at your life and realize that you may have underestimated yourself and tried to create a life that was inferior to what you deserve.

Growing up, I didn’t know what course my life was going to take. I became involved with a group of friends that I had no business associating with. I was in a relationship with someone who treated me slightly better than the dirt on the bottom of his shoes and silenced my voice. I can hide behind the excuse that I had an ill parent and that left me feeling confused and vulnerable. But the truth is, I had created this life for myself. I allowed my thoughts to control me and make me feel inferior. My life would have continued down that path if I didn’t fight for it. I had to fight for the life I thought I could create for myself. I set a list of goals for myself: Complete my master’s degree, find a life partner who will be respectful of the person I am (I wasn’t going to compromise who I was. I had already wasted 5 years and I wasn’t about to waste any more time), and be myself (whether people liked it or not). It was only when I decided to fight for myself that my life turned around, and I truly believe that this is the truth for many people. When we stop playing the victim in our lives and start taking control over what we want to accomplish, it puts us in a better state of mind. Yes, there are going to be events in our lives that push us off course, but it’s how we get back up that defines us. We can’t let the events in our lives define us. Similarly to a hurdle race in track in field, life is about jumping over hurdles. Sometimes our foot gets caught and we stumble, but we have to get back up and finish the race.

You Are Unique Just Like Everyone Else

Deep in my heart I believe that each person has greatness in them. Call me naïve, many people do, but I think one of the most beautiful things in the world is to see people being themselves. Sadly, growing up in a judgmental society where you are taught to have a certain color hair, be of an ‘attractive weight’ or dress a certain way, people become enclosed and refrain from expressing themselves. This is very disheartening to see.

I think Facebook and other social media sites further reinforce a person’s need to conform to societal standards of what is acceptable and what isn’t. Many of us use Facebook to reconnect with old friends and family, which is great, but I think many of us subliminally start to use other people’s success stories as benchmarks for the types of lives we should lead. Somewhere along the line, instead of leading a life that makes us happy, we start to unintentionally train ourselves to think that our lives are inadequate and we start to shift our priorities. We feed into an individual’s online persona which probably represents 30% of a person’s life, however in our minds we genuinely start to believe that we are seeing an individual’s entire life. When in fact, this isn’t true. We all have our ups and downs. In our own way, we’re struggling to find our way through life. While we naturally share our peeks, we also refrain from sharing our low points.

Being the rebel that I have always been, I want to share the pitfalls of my life. I have been told that through my blog I am too transparent with my thoughts and opinions, and that I need to stop being so open. But, my thoughts aren’t any different from what another person is thinking or feeling. I’m human, and I prefer to connect with people on an emotional level. I think that our thoughts can sometimes be our worst enemy and if we don’t discuss or express them, we allow our internal voices to control us. When we visit social media sites, we need to understand that a person’s profile isn’t an accurate depiction of their lives. They are simply looking for an outlet to express the happy moments in their lives. However, deep down, we all have the same fears and insecurities. We’re all the same, on our own unique path through life.

To Bury Or Not to Bury the Hatchet

Life. Just when I thought I had it figured it out, it throws me another curveball, leaving me confused and isolated.  In my earlier blogs I had talked about a tongue lashing I received from a ‘friend of mine’. After that incident I had vowed to remove toxic people from my life. However, a few days ago I received a text message apology, which has left me frazzled. Does a text message apology even count?

I’ve been pondering over this text message for the past few days and the truth is, I don’t know how to respond. On the one hand, this person and I were friends for a very long time prior to the incident that took place last summer. But, on the other hand what was said is unforgivable. And more importantly, given the types of vile statements that were said to me, does a text message apology even count?

Personally, I think an apology received by text message shouldn’t be considered an apology. If one is genuinely sorry for the things that were said, wouldn’t one pick up the phone, or have a face to face meeting to express their remorse? Perhaps I am not as tech savvy as others, or perhaps I value human interaction, but I think there needs to be sincerity in an apology.

Granted that what was said was extremely mean (to say the least) and perhaps he was afraid to approach me, but I think that if someone is courageous enough to say those mean things, they should be brave enough to apology in the same way those initial vile words were spewed.  I don’t think that it is an unreal expectation to have of someone.

Nevertheless, I am doing my best to give my ‘friend’ the benefit of the doubt and like a broken record, I’ve been posing the question ‘Do I forgive my ‘friend’ and look past this incident, or is it too late?’ The truth is, I’m not sure. While I would like to say, ‘yes, I forgive you’, I am stumped at my own personal obstacle of my inability to forgive. I understand that there is strength in accepting an apology and forgiving someone, however I’m not sure on how to overcome my own ego. In Demi Lovato’s book ‘Staying Strong’ she writes, “when you are wronged, it’s better to confront it with tolerance, forgiveness and acceptance”. If I am truly putting myself first in my life, I have to forgive my friend. It doesn’t mean that we will become the best of friends. It just means that I allowed myself to forgive the sadness that was caused and let go of any negative feelings.

 

Shaking Things Up

Sometimes I feel that the only person that truly understands me is me, and I am grateful for my self awareness. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to see through the fog. I understand the person I am and the person I want to be. Yet, while I am grateful for my new found self-awareness, I question my surroundings and whether they positively foster my growth.

If I am being completely transparent, I do have points of sadness that are seeping into areas of my life, where they don’t belong. I’m fighting a never-ending battle to stop them, and as of right now, I’m losing this battle. My weakest personality trait is that I don’t forgive people. If I feel that trust has been broken, I have a hard time looking past it. I’ve tried for years to combat this problem, but I find that instead of forgiving people, I mask the pain. I pretend that everything is okay when its not, and it eats me up inside. I know that this isn’t healthy for me, and I think it’s time that I start putting myself first.

I think its time that I start re-evaluating the relationships in my life and putting myself first. I need to see who truly makes me happy and who just needs me around to leach off of. I need to start making my feelings a priority and to start treating myself with the respect I should be giving myself. I waste too many of my thoughts on things that make me sad and devalue my life. It’s my responsibility to make sure that I am taken care of. While it has always being my life goal to help as many people as I possibly can, I can’t do this successfully if I devalue myself in the process. I need to surround myself with people who uplift me and help me become the person I want to be. I only have one life, and I don’t want to waste it on things that don’t add value to my life.